Terrible Twos Tommy
by Kelso gets burned
Summary: As Tommy enters the dreaded realm of toddler-hood, he learns things about himself that he had never before realized. This is my first Fanfic. Any feedback would be great. *Note: Some events in this story are based on ideas from Boris Yeltsin.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter I

Date: August 1st, 1992; Time: 7:00pm; Location: Nursery of Tommy and Dil Pickles

Tommy was glaring at himself through the mirror on his closet door. He could see little black studs on the sides of his head. Finally, he was getting hair. Although he was hoping that it would turn out purple like his father's, he was still grateful to be getting any hair to begin with. Besides, he knew he could eventually dye it later on in his life.

Didi knelt down to Tommy's level. "What are you smiling about?" she asked him playfully.

"Heh- hewrrrr," he babbled back, pointing to his head.

"Yes!" said Didi in an over exaggerated tone, "You _are_ getting hair! Someone's getting bigger by the minute!"

Tommy felt accomplished. Not only was he getting hair, but he was also getting better at talking to adults.

Didi then lifted him up into his bed. "Just ten more days," she told him, "And you'll be two years old!" She tucked him in and gave him a kiss on the forehead, "Goodnight."

The baby soon drifted off to sleep. He had gotten so used to the sound of Dil's snoring over the past few months that it actually became something he could not fall asleep without. Tommy had a dream about clowns. He loved clowns, and could never understand what Chuckie saw in them that was so frightening. They were bright and colorful, and did funny tricks with bowling pins and unicycles. There was nothing about clowns to be afraid of.

That night, however, Tommy became able to see things from a completely different perspective.

He suddenly woke up. The sound of popcorn popping downstairs always disturbed his sleep. After the noise had stopped, Tommy tried to fall back asleep, but with no luck. His gums were aching in pain from teething, his diaper was wet, and he wanted some of that popcorn.

So he got up out of his bed and left the nursery. Although the hallway was dark, Tommy could make his way through from the light coming up from the first floor. He went down the stairs at a fairly normal pace and decided to jump off of the last few steps. That was always fun.

As he did that, however, the television happened to be showing one of the most horrific sights Tommy had ever seen. He let out an ear-piercing scream upon seeing this. Stu and Didi heard this scream, and immediately jumped off of the couch. Stu turned off the TV while Didi switched the lights on. Didi picked up her sobbing mess of a child in an attempt to calm him down.

"Maybe 'IT' wasn't the best choice," laughed Stu, "You were right, Deed; we should've rented that chick flick you wanted."

"Yeah," she replied, patting Tommy on the back, "I'm pretty sure 'Love Story' was lacking evil clowns."

The baby was emotionally scarred from this experience. From that day forward, clowns were the bane of his existence. Even in his older years, though he would not show it, would get horribly nervous around them with palms soaked from sweat.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter II

Date: August 3rd, 1992; Time: 12:30pm; Location: Kitchen of the Pickles' residence

Lunch time was unusually quiet. Didi was watching all of the neighborhood kids (as usual), who were all sitting around the kitchen table. Everyone was inhaling their food except for Tommy. He was just sitting his booster seat staring down at the floor below him. He was shaking all over, still traumatized by the clown incident a few nights ago. The image of an evil clown had been lingering in Tommy's head for what seemed like ages.

"What's wrong with Tommy?" Chuckie asked Didi, "He looks really sad."

"He accidentally saw some of a scary movie," she told him, "I think he'll be just fine though".

"A scary movie? What could be so scary that Tommy couldn't handle?"

"Well—"

Before Didi could finish her thought, Tommy knocked his plate onto the floor pretending it was an accident. As she kneeled down to clean up the mess, Tommy whispered into her ear, "N- No taaaallllll Ch- Chuckie". He wouldn't dare let his best friend know that their worst fears were mutual.

Later that day, the kids were all playing outside and trying to get Tommy out of the sandbox. Didi and Betty were watching this through the window.

"Maybe you should bring him to a therapist," Betty told her, "Howie was acting the exact same way after we saw 'IT'. After like a week in therapy he was pretty much cured."

"I had considered that," said Didi in response, "but I'm not sure if we can afford it right now. Tommy's birthday party is right around the corner. I haven't been able to teach ever since I went back to school, and Stu is only making enough money from his toy business for us to barely get by."

"Don't worry about that," Betty laughed, "We got a good deal from Dr. Freeman. Go on. Guess how much we paid!"

"How much?"

"Zero. Zip. Nilch."

Didi narrowed her eyes in skepticism.

"We won a free 90 day trial," explained Betty, "They were giving it out via raffle ticket at the end of a concert. Howard's ticket had the right number."

"But you said it was only a week."

"It was. And the trial is completely transferable if you want the remaining 2 ¾ months."

Didi thought for a minute. "Okay," she said, "I guess we'll take it."

"You got it, Deed."

"By the way," asked Didi after a brief pause, "what kind of concert was giving out therapy sessions as a raffle?"

"Oh, just some Seattle grunge band. It was a gimmicky sort of thing."

Meanwhile, out in the playground, Tommy was still sitting in the sandbox with his head in his knees. Chuckie came up to him, putting a hand on his shoulder.

"You okay?" Chuckie asked.

"Yeah," responded Tommy, lifting his head, "I just can't stop thinking about that thing."

"What exactly was it, Tommy? If it scared you it must've been _really_ bad!"

"I can't tell you, Chuckie. It would give you nightscares. It gave _me_ nightscares!"

They sat there in silence for a few moments. Chuckie then decided to break the ice. "So," he said, "I hear your birthday's coming up. What do you want for a present?"

"I didn't think about that," said Tommy, slowly taking his mind off of the evil clown, "I've been busy thinkin' about other stuffs," he paused to think for a moment, "Well I could use a new toy screwdriver…"

"What's wrong with the one you gots already?"

"Yeah," Tommy began, his face turning red with embarrassment, "It kinda' got ruined…cuz of the place I used to keep it…"

Chuckie giggled, "Suzie's warning was right all along then!"

Tommy also giggled. He was in a much better mood at that point. The two boys then got up and started playing with the rest of the gang.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter III

Date: August 8th, 1992; Time: 5:30pm; Location: Toy Palace

"So a screwdriver huh?" Chas Finster asked his son, placing him in the shopping cart.

"Yup," responded Chuckie, "that's what he told me."

"Well then, let's go find one!"

Chas pushed the cart from aisle to aisle. He knew exactly where to look for the screwdriver, but thought it better to let it drag out. That way, they were spending more quality time together.

"So," began Chas after a few minutes, "hopefully this party will cheer Tommy up. I heard about the little…uh…scare he had last week."

"Yeah. I didn't think there was _anything_ that could scare Tommy that much."

"That movie is the exact reason why I'm frightened by clowns," he shuddered.

Chuckie's eyes widened upon hearing this. He didn't know what to say. Feelings of empathy were running through his head. Clowns not only frightened Chuckie, they _horrified_ him. For there to be a clown out there that was able to horrify the most courageous baby on the planet, Tommy was officially in Chuckie's shoes.

While Chuckie was absorbing all of this, Chas found the screwdriver, paid for it, and drove them home. It wasn't until dinner was ready that he became aware of things again.

"Is Chuckie okay?" Kira whispered to Chas.

"I'm not sure," he responded with a mouth full of potatoes, "He hasn't said anything for the past hour."

With so much on his mind, Chuckie did not fall asleep for a while.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter IV

Date: August 9th, 1992; Time: 10:30am; Location: The Playpen

Tommy and Dil were rolling the infamous star ball back and forth to each other. For a while, the only sound that could be heard was the jingling of the ball. After a while however, they became bored.

"Why are you acting so different, Tommy," babbled Dil, "You're bein' all quiet and stuff."

"It's a long story," Tommy sighed, "It seems like the biggerer I get, the more I end up doin' stuffs I never did before."

"I know watcha' mean. Like how I fed myself for the first time yesterday?"

"Yeah, sort of," replied his brother, "There's good things like that, but there's also really bad things…"

"Like what?"

"There's things I'm scared of now that I never thought I'd be scared of before."

"Oh," said Dil, half interested.

At that point their conversation was interrupted by the obnoxiously loud doorbell. Stu opened the door to find Boris and Minka carrying suitcases (two per hand).

"Boris! Minka! You're here a bit early."

"We couldn't wait any longer," said Minka in her thick Yiddish accent, "The boys are growing so fast. We need to savor every moment."

"Where's Didilah?" asked Boris.

"Oh she's in the shower right now," Stu replied, "She should be out in a few minutes. For now I'll show you guys to the guest room, eh?"

Minka rapidly shook her head, "Not yet. First we must see the babies while they are still babies."

"Well, okay then," Stu said as he took all eight of their suitcases, "Is this all?"

"Of course not!" laughed Boris, "There's a lot more where that came from!"

Stu poked his head out the window to see a taxi in their driveway. The driver was leaning against it, arms crossed with feet impatiently tapping.

Boris and Minka made their way through the living room and towards the playpen. Minka burst into tears at the sight of Tommy's hairline. Boris lifted up Dil told him not to worry about his "crazy grandmother".

"So I hear you're going to be two years old soon!" said Minka to Tommy after she had calmed down. "Aye aye aye!" she exclaimed as she picked him up, "It's like he's tripled in weight in the past month since we've seen him."

"Huh- hiyyya Grammuh," said Tommy nervously but with pride.

"And he's talking now too!"

"Relax, Minka," said Boris "He was talking the last time we visited."

"Two words, Boris! He only knew two words: 'no' and 'poop'!"

At this point, Didi entered the room with hot rollers in her hair. "Hello, Mom and Dad. Glad you could come down."

"What are you feeding this child, Didilah? Rocks? Bricks? Cement?" asked Minka as she struggled to hold Tommy.

"That's what everyone always asks me," Didi laughed, "He's my excuse for not going to the gym. Would either of you like some coffee?"

"Yes," they both responded without any trace of hesitation


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter V

Date: August 10th, 1992; Time: 11:30pm; Location: The Living Room of the Pickles' residence

Stu, Didi, Boris, Minka, Lou, and Lulu were all gathered around the television watching _Seinfeld_ (They wouldn't dare to rent another horror film). It was the episode where Jerry, Elaine, and George were waiting for a table at a Chinese restaurant. They were trying to laugh silently so not to wake up the babies. The sound of Lou's snoring made it apparent that he had fallen asleep some time ago.

When the commercial break came along, Didi got up and said, "I have to go and prepare the food for the party tomorrow now. Anyone care to join me?"

Minka and Lulu offered their help, while Stu and Boris mumbled something of excuses not to. Didi led the women into her kitchen, grabbing the baby monitor along the way (she did not trust Stu to be a responsible parent when _Seinfeld_ was on).

"So what kind of cake are you baking, Didi?" asked Lulu with her mouth practically watering.

"Some sort of vegetable I would guess," Minka remarked.

"Not this year, Mom," said Didi, "Sure, the carrot cake from last year would have been a very healthy decision (had it not been destroyed before anyone could eat it), but Tommy made a special request this time."

"And what might that be?"

"Worms. Not _real_ worms," she quickly said in response to the shock on her mother's face, "that really is what he wanted, so I told him we could put gummy worms in it instead. He settled for it."

"Ooh! You should make a chocolate cake to represent the dirt and mud!" exclaimed Lulu with odd delight and fascination.

"That's the idea. Look at this recipe I found," said Didi, pointing to a magazine article. It was titled _Mud Pie_.

Lulu licked her lips in excitement, "May I do the honors of baking this cake?"

"Sure," said Didi, "Mom, can you make your famous potato salad?"

"If you have the ingredients."

"I made sure of that, don't worry," laughed Didi, "and I'll make deviled eggs. Tommy seems to love eggs of any sort these days."

"Protein!" Minka announced, "That explains it all!"

The next few minutes were spent preparing the food and gossiping amongst each other. It was soon interrupted by a scream from the baby monitor. "I'll be right back," Didi sighed, heading toward the stairs. Not a night has gone by since the beginning of August where Tommy slept soundly. He was having constant nightmares from the brief moment he saw from _IT_. As Didi opened the door to the nursery, she was instantly greeted by 32 pounds of kid clinging onto her legs. She picked him up and began to soothe him.

"Was it the clowns again?" she asked.

Tommy nodded.

"Don't worry, sweetie. We're going to see a talking doctor in a few weeks. He can help us out with this."

The baby fell back asleep within what seemed like seconds. Didi then placed him back into his bed, and slowly snuck out the door.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter VI

Date: August 11th, 1992; Time: 7:30am; Location: Nursery of Tommy and Dil Pickles

In spite of yet another rough night's sleep, Tommy woke up with an ear to ear smile across his face. His second birthday had finally rolled around. The baby sat upright and got out of bed. Dil was already wide awake and trying to walk (with not much luck). The door opened and in came Stu.

"Hey, champ!" he said giving Tommy a hug, "Happy birthday. I've got an extra special surprise for you. Don't worry. It's a lot less dangerous than last year's…incident…"

Tommy giggled. He vaguely remembered his first birthday. It had something to do with dog food and some flying thing with a remote control. He was too excited to even think straight. The evil clowns held almost no relevance (at least for now).

"So, birthday boy," said Stu as he lifted Tommy onto the changing table, "I was thinking that for breakfast we could all go to the iHop seeing as we ran out of eggs last night."

Tommy nodded. He loved getting eggs over easy at iHop.

After breakfast they all headed over to the Java Lava to set up for the party. Tommy fell asleep on the way there. Lulu volunteered to stay in the car with him (with the air on of course) until he woke up. The rest of the family got out and walked into the coffee shop. The Finsters were already inside getting the place cleaned.

"Oh, hey guys!" Chas looked up at them as he was mopping the floor, "Where's the birthday boy?"

"He's out cold," replied Stu, "Probably didn't get much sleep last night."

"More nightmares, eh?"

"Yup."

Chuckie shuddered upon overhearing this, "I wouldn't blame him."

"What's he been dreamin' 'bout?" Kimi asked him.

"Clowns," whispered Chuckie.

"Oh. I hope he's okay."

The Deville's and Carmichael's were the next to show up. After placing the cake into the freezer, Didi walked over to one of the tables and sat down. Betty came over with two coffee mugs, and offered one to Didi.

"Thank you, Betty," she said.

"I think I know what you're thinking. Seems like yesterday he was just born, right?"

Didi looked up, "You read my mind."

"Nah," Betty laughed, "I was thinking the same thing when my pups turned two."

"I wasn't thinking that way until my mother came to visit," replied Didi, "She just will not shut up about the boys growing up so much."

"I'm sure it can't be that bad."

"She's already bugging me with plans for Tommy's Bar Mitzvah reception."

Betty almost choked on her coffee, "That's strange. But don't worry about it. It's well over a decade from now. Just live in the moment, Deed."

The door rang as it opened again. Charlotte and Angelica had arrived.

"Hey, Charlotte!" Stu exclaimed with a hug, "Glad you could make it!"

"Well, after hearing about the catastrophe last year I wouldn't dare miss it again."

Stu kneeled down to his niece, "Hello there, Angelica. You're getting tall!"

"Yup," she said, "I'm almost four!"

Charlotte's cell phone rang at that moment. Upon hearing this, she took it out of her pocket and crushed it under her feet, "I'm getting it replaced, anyway," she said in response to a room full of shocked faces, "Drew wants me to get a beeper. Apparently cellular phones cause health problems with excessive use."

The door opened again. This time it was Lulu walking in with Tommy, who was placed into the playpen with all the other children. He was sucking on a teething ring. After everyone greeted him and said happy birthday, Chuckie hugged him so tight that it hurt.

"Chuckie, I can't breathe," Tommy gasped.

"Sorry," Chuckie let go, "It's just that we heard about the clowns."

"Oh. I was hoping you wouldn't find out."

Angelica saw this as the perfect opportunity to try and trick them as usual, "Y'know what happens when—"

"Save it, Angelica," Susie interrupted, rolling her eyes.

The party went by very smoothly (much to Didi's relief), and Tommy slept soundly for the first time since the clown incident.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter VII

*Note: The end of this chapter was based on ideas from Boris Yeltsin.

Date: August 15th, 1992; Time: 11:00am; Location: Waiting Room of Dr. Freeman's Office

"Hello," said Didi to the receptionist, "We're here to see Dr. Freeman."

"Your name?"

"Pickles."

"One sec," she pushed the buzzer, "Dr. Freeman, Mrs. Pickles is here to see you."

"Send her in," he responded from the other side.

Didi carried Tommy into the office.

"So," said Dr. Freeman, "This must be Tommy. Correct?"

"Say hi to the doctor, Tommy."

"H- Hay," he babbled.

"It's a pleasure to meet you both," said the therapist with a handshake, "Please sit down."

"So where do you want me to begin?" asked Didi as she and Tommy sat down.

"Just tell me a bit about your son."

"Well," she began, "Tommy is usually a very bold and courageous baby. He's almost always getting into some form of mischief. Nothing used to really upset him all that much. Recently, however, he saw a brief clip from the movie, 'IT', and he's been acting strange ever since."

"What do you mean by 'strange'?"

"I guess the most apparent oddity is his sleeping patterns," Didi continued, "He's been waking up from nightmares very often."

"Hm. And how old is he?"

"24 months."

"Well I have something of a strategy," said Dr. Freeman, "When Mr. Deville came in with the same problem, I gave him a few tools that he found extremely useful."

"What were they?"

"The key is to make sure he is completely comfortable before he goes to bed. Give him a cup of tea, and avoid any television within an hour of his bedtime."

"Anything else?"

"Plenty," he babbled on for the rest of the appointment.

"Well," Didi said to Tommy as she carried him out to the car, "he certainly likes to talk…"

At that point the car phone rang. "Hello?" Didi asked as she answered the giant piece of metal.

"Hey, Deed, it's me," replied a voice on the other end.

"Oh!" she exclaimed, "Dr. Carmichael! How've you been? I haven't seen you since the party."

"Oh just the same old stuff. Listen, can I ask a huge favor of you?"

"Sure! Anything."

"If it's not too much to ask, do you think you could watch Susie for the day? I just got a call from the hospital. They're a bit short on staff this week."

"Certainly," Didi assured her, "I think a friend coming over is just what Tommy needs right now, anyway."

"Oh that's right. Susie told me about the whole clown thing…is he doing okay?"

"He's acting a bit strange during the day, but the real problems happen at night. He hasn't been sleeping too soundly."

"Aw. Well, I hope he feels better soon. When can I drop off Susie?"

"Right now would be fine. Stu's at home doing…something…creative…"

"Alright. We'll head over in a few minutes."

"Guess what Tommy?" Didi turned to face the back seat as she hung up the car phone, "Susie's—"

Tommy was fast asleep in his car seat. His tee shirt was soaked in drool.

Meanwhile, Stu was in his basement with scraps of paper all over the place. Dil was sitting on his desk and watching the miserable wreck that his father had reached.

"Dil," said Stu, as he pulled out his hair, "I'm losing it. There's not a single good idea I've come up with in ages!"

Dil just giggled. He was clearly amused by this train wreck. Then the giant clown doorbell thing startled the both of them. Stu turned on the monitor that showed who was out front. "Hello, Stu," said Dr. Carmichael through the camera, "Didi said you guys could watch Susie for the day."

"Right, right," Stu mumbled, "I'll be right there."

Stu answered the door just as Didi's car was pulling into the driveway.

"Thank you both so much for doing this," said Susie's mother "It means a lot to me."

"No problem," Didi said as she walked towards the door.

"Um…is he okay?" she pointed to Stu.

"Don't worry about him," Didi assured her, "Stu just gets a little…crazy…when he's brainstorming new ideas. It'll last about a month before he gets his big epiphany."

Tommy woke up on the couch about an hour later. He walked into the kitchen and saw Susie and Dil eating lunch. Didi picked him up and placed him in his booster seat. "What would you like for lunch, Tommy?" she asked him.

"Ayggzzzz," prattled Tommy.

"Okay then…I'm sure I can think of something…new to do with eggs."

"Hey, Tommy!" exclaimed Susie with a mouth full of grilled cheese. She gulped it down, "What's up?"

Tommy sighed, "Nothing much since the last time you saw me. 'Cept for my hair. It's gettin' a lot thicker."

"Cool," she said, "Hey, I was just wondering. Are you still having…Y'know…nightmares?"

"Yeah," said Tommy with his head down.

"Well I've got this idea, that maybe I could help you out. I've got all sorts of things I do to have good dreams."

"Wow, Susie, thanks!" Tommy exclaimed.

"No problem. We can start after lunch."


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter VIII

*The concept for this chapter is based on some ideas from Boris Yeltsin.

Date: August 15th, 1992; Time: 3:00pm; Location: The Sandbox

After about an hour of trying, none of Susie's normal strategies for getting over a fear were helping in the least. She and Tommy were sitting in the sandbox looking horribly worn out and depressed. Dil was waddling in circles around them, taking advantage of the fact that he finally could walk.

"Can't you think of _anything_ else, Susie?" Tommy desperately begged.

"Well," she responded, "There is one thing, but I've never done it myself before, and it might not work.

"It can't hurt to try, can it?"

"I guess not," Susie mumbled.

"So what is it?"

"Um…it's called 'hypnotism'."

"Hitnospism?" Tommy was confused.

"Hypnotism," Susie laughed, "It's where someone tells you to do something, and you do it without thinking."

"Oh…I get it!" exclaimed Tommy, "Well, sort of…"

"I learned it from my big sister," Susie told him, "She said she used it on some boy so he would ask her out or something like that."

Dil started jumping up and down, "Ooh ooh! Can I help?"

"Sure!" answered Susie, "Go inside and get something really little, and really shiny."

"Alright!" Dil happily shouted as he waddled over to the back door.

Didi was on the phone when he got there. The baby snuck past her quite easily. He then made his way out of the kitchen and up the stairs. Dil knew exactly what to look for. He snuck into Stu and Didi's bedroom and went straight for the jewelry box. Inside it were plenty of things that were both small and shiny. Since he couldn't open the box himself, he decided to take the whole thing with him.

Meanwhile, Tommy was lying down in the grass with his eyes shut. Susie was muttering some sort of creepy chant in his ear when Dil arrived with the jewelry box.

"Something in here ought a' do, right, Susie?"

"Perfect, Dil," she said as she opened it, "This necklace should work just fine!" She swung it back and forth above Tommy's head, "Now open your eyes."

Tommy had absolutely no expression as his eyes widened.

"He's in a trance now," Susie explained to Dil, "He should be like this for an hour."

"What's an hour?"

"I don't know. I just know that it's a _really_ long time."

Tommy's eyes started to swirl. They just sat and waited for a while.

"Dil," Susie broke the awkward silence, "Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure."

"Did you…um…"

"Oh!" he caught on quickly, "No. Not this time. It must've been…" he and Susie both looked down at Tommy. They then looked at each other with horror on their faces.

` "What are we gonna do?" panicked Susie, "We can't tell your mommy. If she sees him like this, along with her stolen jewelry box, what would we say?"

"Well, we could just wait for him to be out of the trance."

"That's an hour from now! We can't just leave him like this, or he'll get a rash!"

"Well," Dil suggested, "You could change him."

Susie shook her head, "I've never changed a diaper before."

"Yeah but neither did Tommy before he had to change mine."

"Wait…when did _that_ happen?"

"A while ago," Dil replied, "I was too young to remember, but Tommy told me we were lost in the woods, and he had no choice."

"So…did he…do it right?"

"Mostly. I was told that he put it on backwards."

"I guess I could change him then," Susie reluctantly mumbled, "Could you go get some diapering supplies and…a barf bag?"

Dil nodded and headed back in through the kitchen door. Didi was in the living room this time, watching the television. Dil watched a little bit of it from behind the couch. Some lady was arguing with a big guy in a flannel shirt and overalls.

"You think you know _everything_, Rosie," said the man.

"Well I _do_ know everything, Dan," the lady yelled, "…Life…marriage…domestic goddess…Darlene…and junk!"

Dil eventually got bored with the show, but had completely forgot what he came in for. Did it have something to do with food? He was awfully hungry, and decided to head back into the kitchen to get a snack. When he got there, however, he again forgot what he was doing. Looking out through the sliding glass doors, Dil saw that it was such a beautiful day out. Why the heck was he still inside? It was clearly time to play!

Before he opened the door to go outside, it all came back to him. The sight of Tommy laying down in a trance as Susie stood there holding her nose was the perfect reminder. Without hesitation, he headed straight for the nursery.

Once he had finished climbing the stairs, Dil bolted towards the door to his and Tommy's bedroom, forgetting that he couldn't run yet. As a result of this, he stepped on a plastic toy car, which sent him sliding across the hallway and directly into his destination. His fall was lessened by a pile of stuffed animals. Dil got up and waddled towards the changing table. He glared up at the shelf that kept the supplies. Of course he couldn't reach it. That's the way luck had always operated.

Since no one else was there for him to climb on top of (the usual method of reaching high places amongst the group), he had to improvise somehow. Dil pulled a dog toy out of his diaper and began squeaking it. Spike arrived within seconds. As the dog was chewing on the bone-shaped piece of rubber, Dil climbed onto his back with Tommy's new screwdriver in his hand. He used the toy to knock over everything that was on the shelf. At that, he jumped down from Spike's back. He picked up one of the larger diapers, a packet of wipes, and the baby powder and placed them all in one of the barf bags (which were conveniently kept with the changing supplies due to Stu's horrible gag reflexes).

It must've been about ten minutes until Dil came back out, though to Susie it seemed like ten hours. Ten minutes can seem like a lifetime to children, especially when they're spending the whole time trying not to throw up.

"I gots everything you need Susie!" Dil exclaimed.

"Good," she said, "Well…let's get started, then…"

Since I'm such a kind and compassionate narrator, I'll avoid going into the revolting details. All I'm going to say is that it was a lousy experience for everyone (except, of course, for Spike, who could not have been more thrilled).

And now, back to the important stuff. Did the hypnotism work? Is Tommy over his fear of clowns? And when will _Roseanne_ ever get canceled? The answers…

Are yes, sort of, and 1996. But the details of these answers…will be revealed…in Chapter IX…I'm not that good at making cliffhangers…sorry.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter IX

Date: August 15th, 1992; Time: 6:30pm; Location: The Playpen.

"Okay," sighed Didi as she slumped down on the couch, "Your brother's _finally_ asleep. Although I can't seem to figure out how all of the diapers got knocked off of the shelf. So many messes seem to form behind my back around here. Like they're from thin air or something…oh well. At least he's out cold. It's your turn in about a half-hour. Kay, Tommy?"

Tommy nodded from across the room. As far as he knew, this whole clown thing was behind him completely. It would be put to the test once he went to bed.

"Stu?" Didi called down to the basement, "Where'd you put today's mail?"

"It's sitting in a stack on top of the tele, dearest!" he called up in a British accent.

"Uh oh…" said Tommy.

"Uh oh is right, sweetie!" Didi responded, "I didn't think it would get this serious. Brainstorming for inventions always makes your father crazy…but…the British accent…could mean only one thing…"

"Ee's gots a b- bangerous idee!" Tommy said frantically. He had meant to say, "He's got a dangerous idea!" but his motor skills weren't nearly far along enough for that. It was, however, his most successful attempt at saying a full sentence.

"The last time he started speaking like he was British," Didi gulped, "was a few months ago…when he applied for a job…and was hired…by…well…let's not think about it. It brings back bad memories," she was speaking so vaguely that Tommy could not understand what she was talking about. If she had told him where this job was, or who the employer was, Tommy would have understood everything crystal clear.

Didi walked over to the TV and grabbed the stack of mail. "Well, well, well…Tommy, it looks like you and Dil were invited to your cousin's birthday party! I can't believe she's turning four _already_!" she sighed, "It seems like only yesterday your Aunt Charlotte was strangling your Uncle Drew with her cellular phone charger in the delivery room…"

Tommy had lost interest about halfway through that last paragraph.

Stu came up from the basement a few minutes later saying, "Well then, darling, shall we get the young chap off to bed then?"

"Yes, but don't you think that maybe—"

"Jolly good, then!" he exclaimed, picking up Tommy, "Hmm…"

"What is it…um…Ringo?"

"The boy's trousers are soaking wet…it seems his nappy is on backwards. Bloody good thing I didn't embrace Master Thomas. He would've ruined another one of me favorite shirts."

Tommy was freaked out by how crazy Stu was acting. Didi could see that he was starting to get upset. "You know what," she sighed, "Maybe I should just do it. I think all of this English talk is too much for him."

She brought Tommy upstairs to the bathroom and drew a bath for him. "Don't worry," she reassured Tommy as she stripped him down, "Your daddy's going to be fine. He's just…a little wacky. That's all."

Tommy was then placed in the bathtub. The water was the perfect temperature. He didn't care if it was the middle of August. A hot bath always put him in a better mood.

"We'll have to start buying you shampoo pretty soon," Didi said, examining his hairline. As she reached for the bar of soap, Tommy caught a glimpse of his mother's engagement ring. It was so…shiny. At that moment, his face went from happy to emotionless. All Tommy could think about was…clowns. Even though he was a bit nervous, and in the back of his mind, still feared them, he couldn't stop thinking about clowns. These weren't evil clowns like in his nightmares. They were happy clowns. He was horrified by the thought, yet at the same time wanted to play with them. The clowns he thought of were so realistic that they seemed completely real after a while.

Five minutes later, Tommy was back in reality. He shook his head in disbelief, splashing water all over Didi.

"S- Sorry, Mommy," he mumbled.

"That's fine, sweetie. You probably just didn't realize your hair was thick enough to do that."

After he was bathed, Didi put Tommy in a fresh diaper and an oversized Nirvana tee shirt. Stu had worn it to one of their shows, but had spilled coffee on it that same night. This left a huge stain on the front, so he gave it to Tommy for summer pajamas.

After Didi brushed his teeth (all six of them), she placed him in bed and put a light blanket over him. "Don't forget," she whispered, "We're going to the beach next week, and I think that's just what you need…and what your father needs…so you can both regain your sanity. Goodnight. If you need anything, just call for me or…yeah…call for me…Lord Stewart is a bit…crazy…at the moment…"

"G'nigh, Mommy," said Tommy as his eyelids dropped like weights.

That night he didn't dream about clowns at all; good or bad. His dreams were actually quite normal, and quite pleasant. Of course, there was a downside to the hypnotism, but Tommy didn't know this yet. He was just thrilled that his fear was supposedly gone.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter X

Date: August 22nd, 1992; Time: 11:30am; Location: San Francisco Beach;

"Don't you dumb babies know _anything_?"

Angelica was towering over Tommy and Dil with her face burrowed in her palm as she shook her head in disappointment.

"Well," Tommy sighed, "I guess not, Angelica."

"Is it true?" asked Dil. He had grown to be just as gullible as the rest of the gang.

"Of course it's true, Drooly," lied Angelica, "everyone knows that!"

Tommy looked out at the ocean, and then back at Dil. Was he thinking the same thing?

"So," said Angelica, "are you guys gonna go for it?"

"Go for what?" Dil asked her.

"For your wish, dummy, everyone knows mermaids can grant wishes," she then sighed and walked away, mumbling something about "hopeless dumb babies."

Tommy got up. He knew what he had to do.

"Come on, Dilly," Tommy said to his brother, "Let's go find that mermaid!"

"Watcha' gonna wish for?"

"For things to be back to normal again," replied Tommy, with determination in his eyes. He was thinking about everything that had happened in the past few months, the good and the bad. The clowns, the hair, the eggs, his dad going temporarily British. He couldn't stand it anymore. Too many things in his life were changing, and much too soon.

They snuck past their parents (who had both fallen asleep while tanning), and headed for the water. Once they got there, Tommy made the first step into the ocean, holding Dil's hand along the way since neither of them were used to walking in water. They went in farther and farther until...

"Whoa, hold on there, sprouts," Lou had pulled them out of the water just in time, "You need to be careful there, don't wanna drown, do ya?"

Tommy and Dil looked at each other, both puzzled. Drown? What could that mean? Whatever it was, though, it sounded pretty bad. His mind filled with curiosity, Tommy looked around him, in search of Angelica. He needed answers.

"Maybe it's time we headed back to the hotel," said Lou to his grandsons, "Everyone else did, anyway.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter XI

Date: August 22nd, 1992; Time: 12:00pm; Location: Hotel Room of the Pickles Family

Tommy never got a chance to talk to Angelica all day, in spite of his curiosity on the whole "drown" thing. What was "drown"? It sounded somewhat familiar but he couldn't quite put his finger on what it was.

The reason he never got to speak to Angelica was because she was taken home early due to one of her usual tantrums. Drew was the one who took her home, while Charlotte stayed behind.

Tommy had no choice, then, but to try and ask an adult. Since his Grandpa Lou was asleep, he couldn't ask him, so he tried to ask his parents.

He tapped Stu's shoulder and tried to ask him. "Whuuz d- down?"

Stu pointed his index finger towards the floor and said, "that direction," clearly misunderstanding the question.

He tried asking Didi, but it came out sounding like "Whuuz r- rouwn?" to which she simply used her fingers to draw out the shape of a circle.

It was no use, since Dil didn't know the answer either. His only remaining option was to ask his Aunt Charlotte.

He tapped her on the shoulder, but before he could even attempt to breathe a word, she put her finger on his lips to hush him, and said, "I know what you're trying to ask."

Tommy was dumbfounded.

"You see, Tommy," Charlotte laughed "I'm C.E.O. of a major corporation, not that that would mean much to you. Let's just say it's a big important job, that deals with a lot of people. Since I deal with a lot of people, I can read your face like a book. I have after all, been doing this for a good many couple of years."

Tommy blinked. Mostly all of this was going straight over his head.

"Anyway," she continued, "You want to know what drown means, right?"

Tommy quickly looked up and nodded.

"It means to go underwater, and lose your breath. Its a very bad thing, Tommy. You always want to be careful around water. Drowning is not something anyone wants to do." She then patted him on the head laid back in her chair, and placed cucumbers back on to her eyes.

Tommy still didn't quite understand, but he had lost interest anyway. It just sounded like a bunch of boring grown-up stuff.

That night, Tommy dreamt of clowns. He was neither scared of them nor happy about it. He couldn't quite figure out exactly how he felt about it since the hypnotism.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter XII

Date: September 1st, 1992; Time: 1:00pm; Location: Pickles Residence;

"Stu!" Didi was knocking on the bathroom door, "are you almost done yet?"

"Almost, Deed," Stu called from the other side, "just gotta dry off his head."

"I hope you know what you're doing, Stu. He just started growing hair. I'd hate to see it fall out already."

The door opened and out came Stu. He was carrying Tommy, who had a towel wrapped around his head.

"Look, Deed," Stu began, "The Pickles hair dye formula is an invention I've been perfecting since I was seventeen. It's designed specifically for risk-free excessive use. That's how I've kept my hair purple all these years."

"It has been pretty consistent since I first met you," said Didi, "But don't you think a two-year-old with purple hair is a bit much?"

Stu shrugged. "Wasn't my idea."

Didi unwrapped the towel from around Tommy's head, which revealed exactly what they were talking about: a full head of hair, which had been dyed a vibrant shade of purple.

"Cute, huh?"

"He certainly looks...unique..."

After Tommy was placed into the playpen, Dil waddled over to get a closer look.

"Wow!" he said, "It looks just like Daddy's hair!"

"I know," responded Tommy, his chin held high, "That's why I asked him to do it."

The obnoxiously loud doorbell once again rang. Betty was at the door carrying Phil and Lil in her arms. She looked oddly distressed.

"We just made some coffee if you want some," Didi offered as Betty placed the twins into the playpen.

"No thanks, Deed," she responded, causing every adult within the vicinity to look over in her direction.

"Are you alright, Betty?" Didi was concerned.

"I got fired from the gym. Apparently, personal trainers aren't supposed to yell expletives at their clients...funny...Howie's the only client I've had in months..."

"Well, don't worry," Didi assured her "I'm sure you'll find a new job soon."

"But what kind of job could I get? I always saw fitness as my only talent, my only passion, my only..."

Slowly, Betty's, and everyone else's heads turned toward Stu's home-made coffee maker.

"Can I use your phone, Deed? I've got myself a Chazzie Finster to call."


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter XIII

Date: September 3rd, 1992; Time: 8:30am; Location: The Java Lava;

"So...would you consider yourself a...um...people person?" Chas asked during his interview with Betty.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Betty responded, her eyes intimidatingly narrowed.

"Oh! Oh nothing! Nothing at all just...nothing..."

"Aw, I'm just teasin' yeh, Chazzy! Lighten up, why doncha'?" Betty laughed as she slammed her hand on his shoulder, almost knocking him out of his chair.

Meanwhile, Tommy, Chucky, Dil, Kimi, Phil, and Lil, were sitting in the playpen, discussing recent events (well, not really Phil, since he was busy occupying himself with his GameBoy).

"Pipnohism?" asked Kimi, confused at Tommy's comment on the hypnotism.

"No, no, it's 'hitnospism,' Kimi," Tommy corrected her.

"Oh! I think I've heard of that!" Lil exclaimed, "Philip gots it all the time, when he's playing videogames!"

Tommy looked over at Phil. He certainly looked like he was in a trance.

"So does this mean you're not ascared of clowns anymore Tommy?" Chuckie asked him.

Tommy shrugged, "I get kinda scared when I think about 'em, but it's gettin' lots better. Although..." he looked around the room. Something about this wasn't quite right, and he knew it. It seemed like almost everyone else was catching on to Tommy's worry about this, when suddenly...

Everyone's train of thought was interrupted a loud, familiar, noise coming from Phil's direction, followed by the ever familiar smell, which caused everyone, even Dil, to hold their nose.

Betty sighed and rolled her eyes as she got out of her seat to pick up Phil. "One pup down," she said, "one pup to go."

"Oh!" Chas was surprised, "Does that mean..."

"Yup," Betty responded, "Lil's completely trained. Can't say the same for this guy though."

"Well good luck with that," said Chas "According to Lipschitz, boys tend to be harder to potty-train. Although, that wasn't really the case with my kids..."

"Oh please! That quack says something different 'bout the same things every time he writes a book. C'mon! Didi's a better shrink than him, and she doesn't even have a masters degree yet! Jeez..."

As Betty took Phil into the bathroom, the rest of the toddlers had to catch their breath from laughing so hard. Tommy had completely forgotten about his worries about the hypnotism.

"So," began Chuckie, tears streaming down his face from laughter, "You wanna get together and play again tomorrow, Tommy?"

"I- I can't," Tommy tried to talk through his almost painful giggle fits, "I- I'm going-" and then he lost it. His laughing got the best of him, and Chuckie too. Tommy couldn't even remember where he was going tomorrow.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter XIV

Date: September 4th, 1992; Time: 1:00pm; Location: A Local Campsite;

What Tommy had forgotten about the night before was that he and Dil were being taken camping. It was the first time for both of them, so one could only imagine how excited they were.

The trip was to be a guy's night out, organized by Stu and Drew, but since neither of them could agree on who was _really_ in charge, Lou decided to tag along to keep the arguing to a minimum.

The car ride up to the campsite went well, much to everyone's surprise. Tommy, Dil, and Lou slept the whole time, and Stu and Drew got along just fine. They had a Green Day album in the tape cassette player, and were singing along (badly, but still singing, nonetheless) throughout the entire ride. Though there were many differences between the two brothers, one thing they had in common was their tastes in music.

When they got there, however, it was a much different story. Stu and Drew nearly frightened the woman behind the desk as they fought over whose credit card would pay for the reservation, when Lou stepped in and paid in cash.

"You darn kids!" Lou yelled at them as they walked up to the campsite, "You two can't get along for as much as _fifteen_ minutes, while Tommy and Dil can behave just fine!"

They all looked down at the double stroller where Tommy and Dil were having one of those staring contests where the first one to crack a smile or laugh loses.

"Aw, Pop, I'm sure we were just the same at that age," Drew assured him.

"I beg to differ!" Lou argued back, "At that age you would've made the Deville sprouts look like angels!"

When they got to the campsite, Stu said, "Hey, Pop? Why don't you go take the boys fishing to keep them occupied, while me and Drew set up the tents?

"Oh no you don't!" Lou caught on right away, "You're just trying to get rid of me so that you can argue with Drew some more! Aren't you?"

"No, Pop! I swear! Look, if you want, I'll set up the tents _without _Drew's help," Stu said, as he stared down his brother, "Drew can go _with_ you..."

"Y'know what?" said Drew, glaring back at him, "I'm just fine with that. Have fun with that,_ bro..._"

They glared at each other for at least five minutes before parting ways.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter XV

Date: September 4th, 1992; Time: 2:30pm; Location: The Lake at a Local Campsite;

"I can't help it! Stu's just really annoying is all."

"Oh admit it: you're both annoying. For cryin' out loud, my sister and I gave up fighting with each other years and years ago!"

"How many years ago, Pop?" asked Drew, sarcastically, as he rolled his eyes.

"Why _fifteen_ years ago, as a matter of fact!"

Meanwhile, Tommy and Dil were sitting on a rock talking.

"Hey, Tommy," Dil began "didja ever figure it out?"

"Figure what out?"

"I don't know. I just remember you wanted to figure something out a while back at the beach."

"Oh that? That's just boring growed-up stuffs. I don't even remember what it was that Aunt Charlotte said."

"Oh," said Dil, "It's a shame we never finded that mermaid, huh?"

"I'm kinda glad we didn't," Tommy assured him, "I'm sorta liking the way things are turnin' out."

"Like your hair, right?"

"Yeah, that's one thing."

There was a long silence, which, after about ten minutes, was broken by Lou.

"I got one! I got one!" he shouted, excitedly.

The fish struggled against Lou with all its might. He had a heck of a time trying to reel it in. "This is bound to be a record size for me," said Lou out loud.

When the fish finally came up, it looked to be about five inches at the most.

Lou sighed as he took the fish off the hook and set it down on a rock, saying, "Well, at least it's big enough to feed the sprouts tonight." He tried to get up out of his chair, but couldn't. He was stuck.

"Here, Pop, I'll help you up," Drew offered.

There was a loud crack as Drew pulled his father out of the chair.

"Ah! My back!" shouted Drew, ironically.

"Well, son, it seems you're starting to get a taste of what it's like to be old."

As Drew began to argue viciously with Lou about how it was all his fault, Tommy got up on the boulder to get a better view of the fish. Just like the ring a few weeks ago, the scales were so...shiny...he could see his own reflection in them.

When Tommy reached out to grab the fish, however, it slipped out of his hands. Tommy tried to catch it in the air, but the rock was so wet and slimy that it caused him to slip and fall into the lake.

Underwater, Tommy could see the fish swimming around him, and looked in the reflection of the scales again. Through the blurriness of the water, he could only make out what looked to be the reflection of a clown.

Just then, Lou quickly pulled Tommy, who began coughing and gagging, out of the lake.

"You alright there, sprout?"

Tommy blinked. It took about a minute before he realized what was going on, and then, inevitably, started to cry.

The trip was cut short due to a combination of that, Drew's back injury, and Stu, who later on gave himself a black eye cooking Jiffy Pop over the campfire (don't ask how). It was at that point they realized that the trip was a complete failure, and went home the morning after.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter XVI

Date: September 10th, 1992; Time: 7:30am; Location: the Pickles' residence;

Tommy had always been an early riser at this age, and today was no exception. It was easier for him to get up now that he was tall enough to jump off his toddler bed without hurting himself. He waddled out the door of his bedroom and into that of his parents.

"Mommy," he said as he tapped Didi on the shoulder. She was awake, though just barely.

"Hmmm?" Didi responded as she felt around for her glasses.

"I'm hungry," answered Tommy, "cn'ai 'ave brekfas'?"

"Sure, sweetie," she yawned, "Just lemme make some coffee first. You wet?"

Tommy nodded, "jus' a lil bit."

"Alright, I'll," she paused to yawn again, "I'll change you after breakfast."

Later on, downstairs, Didi sat on the couch drinking her coffee, while Tommy was sitting on the floor in front of the television, playing on his Super Nintendo.

After her coffee mug had been emptied about halfway, Didi went back into the kitchen to make Tommy's breakfast.

He put down his controller. The all-too-familiar "Game Over" screen had once again rolled onto the screen. Bored and hungry, Tommy looked around curiously for something to do (or eat).

Slowly, his eyes turned to Didi's coffee mug. He looked inside his mind filled with curiosity. Tommy felt the mug and found that it was luke warm. What harm could it do if he took a sip?

Didi, meanwhile, was in the kitchen frying scrambled eggs when the phone rang.

"Hello?" she answered.

"Hey Didi," said the voice on the other end, "It's Drew."

"Oh!" she exclaimed, "Hi! How's your back been doing since the trip?"

"Meh...could be better...much, much, better. I was really calling to see how Tommy's doing, though. He seemed pretty shaken the last time I saw him."

"Well, it's been a bit of a chore getting him to take baths ever since his little...incident...on the trip, but other than that, he's been acting perfectly normal," she responded just as there was a crashing sound coming from the living room.

Didi looked out through the doorway to see Tommy bouncing up and down with a broken vase and an empty coffee mug at his feet. "Drew, I have to go, something...just came up..."

Didi gave a deep sigh. It was going to be a long day.


End file.
